Dinner Table Discussions - AKA Talking to Your Racist Uncle During The Holidays Without Spontaneously Combusting
By: Binaka Norris
Ahhh Facebook, the land where minion memes, gender reveals, and Dhar Man reign supreme. Good ol’ Zuckerberg has truly reinvented the idea of social connection - you can see your aunt every time she gets a haircut or watch the coworker you vaguely know open birthday presents. Another thing that’s popular on Facebook are “hot takes”. Your mom’s friend can offer her professional opinion on the pandemic, and your second cousin can shed insight on the benefits of capitalism. Hot takes don’t require you to have any actual experience or facts - they just have to be formulated like so, “Now I don’t usually get political” insert a political thing here, add a few emojis, and finish it off with “I don’t expect anyone to agree with me, I just wanted to say my piece” and you’ve got yourself a hot take. Hot takes are one of the most integral aspects of the Facebook experience, and often reveal an unexpected side of friends and family. Relatives who were once viewed as “politically indifferent” now do free advertising for their political candidate of choice. Your friend from high school suddenly becomes a race relations expert when you clearly remember them saying not-so PC things back in the day. Hot takes allow anyone and everyone to grab a soapbox - even if they’re severely underqualified.
So what happens when a relative’s hot take disparages your existence? Or their revered political idol actively strips your rights? How do you tell someone their “hot take” is not just an opinion, but a threat against you, your friends, and/or an entire community? With Thanksgiving rapidly approaching, you may be wondering how to pass the potatoes to someone who believes men can’t wear dresses. If you feel this way, you certainly aren’t alone. People on both sides of the aisle are feeling the heat to “keep things neutral” this holiday season. Most families opt for the “don’t talk about politics” approach - trading in meaningful discussion for a facade of unity. However, Dr. Casey Gamboni, a therapist and teaching and supervising faculty member at the Marriage and Family Therapy Program at The Family Institute at Northwestern University, says talking about politics with relatives is fine as long as you have certain “rules” both parties follow. The conversation should be a real conversation, not a debate or yelling match. Here are some things to follow and watch out for when discussing politics with your loved ones.
Don’t start the conversation with the sole intent of changing opinions. This is for many reasons, but mainly, its unrealistic, and only leads to discourse. When framing the conversation this way, the opposing family member may automatically revert into defense-mode rather than actively listening to what you're saying. One “heart-to-heart” probably won’t change your family’s feelings on certain issues. However, this is not to say that you shouldn’t want your family to learn. All this means is that when entering a possibly tense exchange, remember that you’re not there to debate, but to simply converse.
Examine your goal and intent. Are you speaking with this family member purely because you want to be right? Do you feel some sort of intrinsic need to bring up controversial topics? Do you just want your family to understand your side of things? Once you’re able to determine the reason behind the conversation, it’s a lot easier to navigate how you will proceed.
Process over content. The way in which you get to your point often speaks louder than the point itself. Gamoni says it best, “When you feel like everything the other person is saying is wrong, be process-oriented instead of content-oriented.” Instead of focusing on the content, take moments to reflect on how you’re talking about the topic. Are you arguing? Are your voices raised? Why are you uncomfortable with what’s being said?”
Asking clarifying, not pointed, questions. Make sure you’re understanding your family, and allow them to see that you are genuinely invested in what they have to say. Asking questions will make the other person feel like you want to understand them rather than immediately jump to conclusions.
Don’t forget to empathize. Take into account life experiences, traumatic events, and any other circumstances that may make your relatives feel the way they do. “Being empathetic can add to an understanding as to why people believe what they do and not just what they believe,” Gamboni said. “You can walk out of the conversations having completely different views, but if you develop some empathy toward them to understand why they believe what they do, it’s going to make you not want to run away from them.”
If you’re feeling unsafe, end the conversation. Your mental health and wellbeing comes before changing someone’s mind.
The holidays, especially the holidays during 2020, will be insanely difficult to navigate. Families are more divided than ever, and having to make small talk with a relative who likes to “play devil’s advocate” can be extremely draining. But, as outlined above, there are ways to hold transformative conversations as long as its coming from a place of love. As cheesy as that sounds, wanting family members to becoming more accepting, more selfless, and more reliant on science does come from a place of love. If you didn’t care about them, you wouldn’t want to see them change.
So when your racist uncle decides to spout conspiracy theories or chime “Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve”, take a breath, scream silently, and meaningful, not demeaning, political dialogue.
Source: Gibson, Aaliyah. The Active Times, “Talking Politics: How to Talk to Family During an Election Year.” 9 Nov. 2020. https://www.theactivetimes.com/featured/talk-to-family-about-politics